A Tickle after a Tipple!

Curious readers of my blog have been asking me whether there is even an iota of truth in my previous posts! While one reader has not been able to resist the temptation to ask me for my full view photograph after reading “Right in the Middle” and have even (tongue-firmly-in-cheek) commented that Einstein has deceived me by promising to popularize my blog!

Before the Department of Blogging in the Ministry of Communications notifies a rule to declare the contents of my blog, let me voluntarily declare it as follows:

Truth – 8% w/w*
Creative Imagination – 7% w/w
Stupidity – 25% w/w
Deceit, Lies and the like - 25% w/w
Unnecessary words as fillers – qs**

* w/w - word by word **qs – quantity sufficient – balance %

Readers would be curious to know how I tickle post after post with this kind of content. Suspicion has been raised whether my output is the after-effects of some spirits, going by several names and forms and available freely in our country. That I tickle better after a tipple! I am not offended – I understand, given the several virtues attributed to the habit in the media, of late.

Nutritionists and researchers have been discovering several benefits" from consuming these liquids, which make their way to the head before leaving the system from all the pores in one’s body! Want a healthy heart? Want to live a long life? Looking for an aphrodisiac? Want to clear your mind from confusion? Want to reduce your cholesterol with anti-oxidants? Whatever…whatever you may need to improve your health. The one sure shot answer to all your problems is that shot of wine or beer, that you have been branding villainous till date - that is what you are being told.

Newspapers and web pages are agog with reports of recent research findings on the virtues of drinking! The government could ban advertisements but not surrogate ads. So we had music cassettes, holidays, party organizers, rock bands and what-have-you masquerading as proxy spirits. But nothing to beat the idea of “research findings”. “Cheap ma Cheap ave Best ma Best!”, as my gujju friend puts it! It is a world of ideas!

Before you begin to throw stones at researchers, think again. When a visionary scientist first announced to the world excitedly the earth was round not flat, he was stoned as they thought he was a lunatic! While we have Thomas L. Friedman boldly declaring "The World is Flat" to make his millions! So just don’t pick up that stone yet and think about the discovery of a Raam-Baan Upaay, as they say in Marathi -a panacea for all ills (except, for the liver – pun intended!)

Another research finds that plain water (with 0.00000008% pesticide, of course) offers the same benefits as Beer with 8% alcohol content! But it is not getting much attention - we are in a different business, I hope you understand!

A researcher friend has confided in me and shared the latest subject of his research - the effect of wine and beer on dogs! Why dogs? Well, don’t you know the crisis befallen upon the BMC authorities in Mumbai and the animal welfare activists when a stray dog bit a 9-year old girl? BMC Mumbai has slapped a fine of Rs. 500 on any one who feeds dogs with biscuits, bones and food meant for human consumption! But there is no fine yet on feeding them on wine or beer! Hence the necessity (read: opportunity for some)…and you can bet that the researchers will come to the conclusion that “dogs never bite after a tipple, as they do after a meal of biscuits, bones and food meant for human consumption”. I hope you understand how it all works!

I am looking for the venue and time of the PETA demonstration in town to highlight the issue - what with delicate, delectable humans trying to connect with the other animals of the world, by shedding their threads in public - all for a good cause!

Bloggers Note 1 : I solemnly declare that this is not an invitation to drink. Even if one thinks it is, it would be foolish to expect me to pay the bill. A related joke in this respect that I had read somewhere goes thus:

A bully entered a bar and announced to the pleasure of all present – “When I drink, everyone drinks” and ordered a drink for all.

When the bill came around, he said “ When I pay, everybody pays”

Bloggers Note 2 : I get high on Plain water with 0.00000008% pesticide. It works just as well.

Blogger’s Note 3 : Management students call it “statistics”, Magicians call it “illusion”, Lawyers call it “evidence (or lack of it); Politicians call it “speech”; authors call it “fiction”; Bloggers, like me call it “Creative Writing”; and businesses call it “research”!

If readers call it “Lies” so be it! We dont like this four-letter word.

Announcing My Brand New Blog - No jokes!

Dear Friends,

When I began blogging earlier this year, I had been posting light humorous write-ups based on common observations and not-very common thinking in a manner that would attract readers.

From the feedback that poured in, it is safe to assume that I have achieved my objective to give my blog a purpose – to tickle readers to loud outbursts of laughter! Lots of LOLs! Somewhere down the road, I thought it apt to call my write-ups “Artickles” and not “articles”.

Some of my posts may not be as humorous as some others. But I assure readers that they will be interesting and in lighter vein! It is natural for readers to consider posting an interesting but serious subject in the “Artickles” blog, as deceptive and criminal.

So, what then would yours truly do if while trying to write a humorous piece - and it turns out to be a serious, thought-provoking piece? Or when I want to touch, not ‘tickle? I would post such write-ups on my other blogs.

"Small Steps along the way", for instance.

Also, some of my older articles, which were published in newspapers many years ago will be posted in “My articles" , as and when time permits (there are 2 posted already!). I would also post new articles which are not "Artickles" here if they do not fit into the theme of Small Steps blog.

If for any reason, readers would like to partake of some thought-provoking material such as current affairs, investment, politics, educational reforms and so on, I have listed some blogs, which I have liked in “My Favorite Blogs” alongside. I would continue to add to these whenever I come across interesting stuff on the www. I dont worry about the competition (my only real competitors are Laloo Prasad Yadav and Navjot Singh Siddhu).

But if you insist on more humor, you can visit

Cartoonist Satish Acharya’s Blog, - I have blog-rolled him recently!

Readers have posted comments, written me emails, even posted their review of my blog on Stumble Upon! I sincerely thank all readers for taking the time to read and to even leave a comment or write me appreciative mails!

I have also been tagged by Rachana Shakyawar. To know more about what the tag is read her post!

My response to her tag is below:

Questions
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food? Right now?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your dream vacation?
7. What is your favorite drink?
8. What is your favorite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What is the one word that describes you?
12. What is your user name?

Answers
1. Gopinath
2. Fish Fry
3. St. Lawrence High School
4. Blue
5. Preity Zinta
6. Himachal Pradesh – Himalayas, Mountains
7. Lime Juice
8. Chocolate
9. Old man
10. Peace of mind
11. Restless
12. Gopinath




1. Gorgeous Pic of Lord Krsna, 2. Untitled, 3. 2001 - Present: UO campus, 4. 2008.01.30 Blue Moutains Tour - 075, 5. Preity Zinta at Cannes, 6. Is this what you mean by "fluids intake"?, 7. Is this what you mean by "fluids intake"?, 8. 14th August 2007 / Day 226, 9. I Wanna Grow Old with You, 10. Comfortable*, 11. Not available, 12. Gorgeous Pic of Lord Krsna

I tried to be funny but the rules did not permit me - I hate rules!

Wishing all fellow Indians A Happy Independence Day!

Gopinath Mavinkurve

Animal Qualms

If you are not as blind as a bat, you may simply bury your head in the sand like an ostrich when I tell you that some animals are up in arms, or shall we say, paws, to pick up the cudgels for their ilk against the only political animal on earth, the human being, who is indulging in hurling insults at them by attributing their unworthy behavior and nasty habits to some or the other animal, time and again.

Some time ago, monkeys had called for a high-level meeting to take action against a prominent Indian cricketer for calling his Australian counterpart a “monkey”. Having moved a motion to condemn all such insults against them, they vowed to take action against any person, who makes such derogatory remarks in public domain. I would urge you not to consider this as “monkey business”, but to take this threat seriously!

If you thought the meeting to fight the menace was attended by monkeys alone, think again! Each of the species was part of the historic meeting, and it was unanimously agreed that a committee would be formed to deal with the insults hurled at the members of the non-political animals on earth.

At a recent meeting of this newly formed committed, a canine representative had a list of dialogues from Bollywood flicks, such as, “Kamine, Kutte” (Hindi for “Scoundrel, dog”) and several others of the kind, which needed to be dealt with a firm hand…er.. paw. The owl, jerked out of his deep slumber, a result of having stayed up all of earlier night, and registered the offense against owls by the “Ullu-ke-Patthe” (Hindi for son-of-an-owl) uttered on-screen, besides calling naive members of the so-called evolved species an “ullu” (hindi, for owl), which is derogatory for the nocturnal avian.

Their wily cousins, the fox, seconded their cause and added that the cunningness attributed to them was as outdated and archaic as Indian laws. In fact, if cunningness were to be measured on an independent scale, you would find that the political animal has elbowed out the fox out of the cunningness race ever since India’s Independence. The pig pitched in saying he was only “earthy” and not “dirty”, as was being portrayed.

The donkey, though equally insulted by likening them to dim-witted folks, could not represent his case and almost made an ass of himself at the forum. While the fast paced front-runner stallion, with much horse power to back his argument, raced into the arena with a banner saying “Comparing Horses with Politicians offends us”. A mare followed with a banner saying, “Horse-trading leads to Nightmares!”

The tortoise wished to put on record that due to the pace at which certain government and municipal bodies worked, it was not in order to draw parallels of with the motor capabilities of their species when matters actually moved (or did not) at a bureaucratic pace. The pug however thanked the advertising agency for portraying his ‘happy-to-help’ attitude and to all concerned to take up the issue of his ill-treatment when chasing a bus in the same manner as the young lad named Buddhia, without any discrimination. Except that the pug let the proverbial cat out of the bag when he revealed that he was really enjoying the shoot and not given a run for his money or for his moment-of-fame, for that matter!

In a corner a bull and a bear sat silently with their laptops flashing charts and tickers moving rapidly. They seemed least interested in the proceedings at the mundane meeting. When asked about their thoughts, they responded that they had no qualms at all. They had been given their place of pride in the premier stock markets. They were reportedly busy playing havoc with the greed and fear factor, making humans sick on the roller-coaster ride of the bourses, while they jostled playfully.

Sharing their experience, they talked about a certain large-sized investor, who would change his appearance from that of a Bull to that of a Bear faster than a chameleon can change colors. After a hard day’s tussle, the bulls and bears would settle down, they said, in front of television sets, “watching a handsome guy, who calls himself “Udayan Mukherjee” and appears on a popular Business Channel, reporting about guys licking their wounds and asking a host of self-proclaimed “experts”, just one question - if they could "see a bottom in place"!.

The donkey finally rose to the occasion and said that if the question was posed to him instead of the so-called “investment experts”, he could land one with the rear-guard action that he is accustomed to on one. Viola - you will have a hurting bottom in place! So, guys don’t brood over this story at a zebra-crossing, stop the menace of hurling insults at animals. And don’t you just consider this another cock-and-bull story. If you have some horse sense, you would know that the story is neither hogwash nor humbug - it is based on reliable sources. A little bird, for instance.

Blogger's Whisper: Psst…You could call my write-up
"Tons of Bull-$*!t" though!

© Gopinath Mavinkurve 2007-2008. All Rights Reserved.

Seeing is Believing! See pics below:

A Dog up in arms… when I say arms, I mean arms – not paws!

















A Monkey registering its complaint with a Cricket official














Read about the most intellingent owl – trained to perform by an expert!

A web-link of the most intelligent owl according to the trainer who trained it to perform stunning acts

If you are moved by the story, and have decided to treat animals with love, you may be interested in knowing how to look after your donkey (Link Below)

Blogger Whisper # 2: I dont need to upload the photograph of the donkey - the photograph along with the profile is already appearing on my blog from the very beginning!

My Chat with Einstein!

Nowadays, people meet up in webspace networking chat sites. I recently found some interesting folks in heaven logged in and willing to chat. I looked for my favourites and found none other than the legendary Albert Einstein!

I sent in my greetings...and we had a nice chat:

Me: "Sir! Mr. Albert Einstein! Hello, Sir!!!"
AE: "Huh.. Hullo"
Me: "I have a question"
AE: "Not about relativity, I hope"
Me: "No. I know nothing beyond E=MC^2"
AE: "Great, you know everything!"
Me: "I want to know about the interesting "Einstein Anecdotes".."
AE: "Oh... I have read some on the net recently..."
Me: "Sir, are they true?..."
AE: "That doesnt matter, they are more interesting and inspiring than my entire work in the field of Physics"
Me: "I love them, but I just wanted to know if there was any truth...."
AE: "Dont worry, If you love them, popularise them...
Me: "Ok, I will publish them in my Blog"
AE: "By the way, how much truth do you have on your blog, anyway? Go ahead, you have my permission. In return, I will popularise your Blog in the classes that I conduct in heaven"
Me: "Agree"
AE: "Deal Done!"

My part of the Deal below:
Einstein Anecdotes

Albert Einstein
Einstein, Albert (1879-1955) German-born American physicist, Nobel Prize recipient (Physics, 1921) [noted for his revolutionary special (1905) and general (1915) theories of relativity, which revolutionized human understanding of the nature of space and time and formed the theoretical basis for the exploitation of atomic energy; and for his various autobiographical and other works.

No Promise


IN 1898, young Albert Einstein applied for admission to the Munich Technical Institute and was turned down. The young man, the Institute declared, "showed no promise" as a student. By 1905, he had formulated his special theory of relativity.

Identity Crisis

SPEAKING at the Sorbonne during the 1930s, Einstein said, "If my relativity theory is verified, Germany will proclaim me a German and France will call me a citizen of the world. But if my theory is proved false, France will emphasize that I am a German and Germany will say that I am a Jew."


Relativity Explained!
Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"

Scientific Revolution

Albert Einstein was visited one day by one of his students. "The questions on this year's exam are the same as last year's!" the young man exclaimed. "Yes," Einstein replied, "but this year all the answers are different”


Simple Question?
One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. Sure enough, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his driver's uniform.
Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it..."

Young Einstein
Albert Einstein was a very late talker. At the dinner table one evening, he finally broke his long silence: "The soup is too hot," he complained. His parents, greatly relieved, asked him why he had never spoken before. "Because," he replied, "up to now everything has been in order."

Classic Einstein

One day Albert Einstein and an assistant found themselves searching for a paper clip with which to bind a newly-finished physics paper. Though they soon found one, it proved too badly misshapen to be used. While searching for a tool which could be used to straighten it they came across... a large box of paper clips.
Incredibly, Einstein opened the box, removed a new clip and promptly began to shape it into such a tool (to straighten the bent clip). His assistant, considerably puzzled, asked him why he was bothering to do this. "Once I am set on a goal," Einstein replied, "it becomes difficult to deflect me."

Charlie Chaplin and Einstein
IN 1931 Charlie Chaplin invited Albert Einstein, who was visiting Hollywood, to a private screening of his new film City Lights. As the two men drove into town together, passersby waved and cheered. Chaplin turned to his guest and explained:
"The people are applauding you because none of them understands you and applauding me because everybody understands me."



Human Stupidity

"Only two things are infinite - the universe and human stupidity," Einstein once remarked, "and I'm not sure about the former."

All above anecdotes have been posted on several books and websites with a footnote declaring that the anecdotes could be "Apocryphal" (of doubtful authenticity)

Albert Einstein kept his part of the deal and send me some evidence too... Seeing is believing, isnt it?



Apocryphal? Or just Digitally Creative?.

Note from Blogger: After pulling my own leg, post after post, it was time to give my sagging ego a leg up! Everyone needs one.

Human Beans!

By Gopinath Mavinkurve

My Medical Allowance Form was recently returned along with the Bills, with a small note from our HR Section, which read : “We are sorry to inform you that you cannot claim Medical Allowance and any Tax benefits with your Grocery Bills” It was only a mix-up - “I had picked up the wrong set of bills for filling up the form”, I explained…" This could be confirmed with the accounts department, who had received my petrol reimbursement claim with my medical bills attached!

Such goofing up is just part of my life. I was recently waiting to board a domestic flight at the Mumbai Airport, when my turn to check-in came, I casually handed over the bookmarks, which I often carry along with the books that I read on flights! “Boarding Pass, Please!”, thundered the Security guy at the check-in counter! I realized that I had kept them in my handbag, which had already gone through the screening machine, waiting for me to pick up at the other end!

For me, things begin happening early each day. I pick up the shaving cream tube instead of my toothpaste, when I need to brush my teeth and just the opposite happens moments later when I go for a shave. The darned tubes look so similar! So I have now switched my brands and place where I store them. Now, I shave with my shaving cream before my breakfast and brush my teeth with the toothpaste after my breakfast, without any mix-up whatsoever!

I can never mistake my shoe polish for my black hair dye, though! If you thought it is some “Poka-Yoke” measure against erring as the Japanese practice on their shopfloors, you’re mistaken. I simply do not use black hair dye. I have two sets of shoes, though, brown and black – and it is increasingly difficult to distinguish the two.

Since I am not so useful around work at home, I am entrusted with outside work like in the banks, post offices. Once when I set out with our Housing Society’s maintenance cheque to be deposited in the drop box near the gate and a letter to be posted in the Post Box around the corner, our Society’s accountant, a poor kindly soul, came back with the letter but how do I get that cheque back?

But then there are exceptions. I never ever go to my Dentist, when I really need to go to my Doctor. In fact I never go to my Dentist, even when I need to go to my Dentist!

With such instances to boast, my friends once suggested to me that I could claim to be the living inspiration behind the popular “Mr. Bean” and get some royalty money! In these times of competition, would I make it to this coveted title? Or may be there would be many claimants? After all isnt there a little “Mr. Bean” in every Human Bean? Err, Human Being, I mean?

Now for some pics for what happened when I set out to claim my royalty...

Mr. Bean was pleased to see me!




“What Nonsense!” he said when he heard my claim!
“You are just off the mark!” He said and made some faces like he always does!



“Can you not see so many people queued up outside, claiming to be my inspiration like you?"





PS: Humor often involves observations of the funny side of human behavior for which one needs a subject to direct the fun at. Who can it be? The best option, I was told, is to direct it to oneself. That way you don’t offend anyone, which is very important. I do make exceptions( like our beloved politicians) once in a while, though. So here I am pulling my own legs again!

Biometric Allergy – Mark My Presence!

Dear friends,

Since my last post, I have received several emails in appreciation of the “Password Phobia – Access Blues” in TOI. I would like to thank all those who wrote in. To many of my friends who have sent in their wishes even before and to some others who been thanking me through their chuckles and laughing-out-louds (or lols), while reading my “Artickles” are equally welcome and deeply satisfying to a humour writer like me.

A close friend and a senior person wished I should see him in his office. I obliged and called on him (an IT firm of repute). At the entrance, a notice put up by the IT Administration read: “Your Password should be as unique as you - Our data security is in everyone’s hands”. Mine certainly was, I thought…

When I told him I did not know how to thank you all for their wishes, all he said was, “Only one way - write more!”

So here I go on to thank you all…..

Biometric Allergy – Mark My Presence!

By Gopinath Mavinkurve

It was a coincidence that my “Access Blues” was published on 3rd July, 2008 in the TOI while sister publication, Mumbai Mirror reported of MLAs protesting the imminent introduction of the biometric system of attendance in the state legislature! The move was planned to prevent the reoccurrence of an unpalatable incident uncovered by journalists of attendance being recorded of an MLC Navnath Avhad lying in a comatose condition in a Pune hospital!

Their apprehension was that they would be called “Angootha Chhaap” (an illiterate)! Here I was pleading to the IT guys to grant me that very status and rid me of my predicament and look what I was up against – the entire local political fraternity! Of course, one must understand their point of view. Why oh why, should a politician who has struggled all his life and learnt to read and write his name furnish his powerful appendage for marking presence, when the entire fraternity is doing all the physical exercises with all its limbs, flesh, lungs and tongue to mark their presence all over the country?

How can we expect the honorable elected members of our Assemblies and Councils to extend their finger just to mark his presence? Would his fingers not be pre-occupied constantly pointing towards his opponents, including a certain foreign hand, worthy of his blame? I can only rush to explain that I am seeking entry into my own spaces, while the noble gentlemen are opposing the very idea of using the biometric system to record their presence!

Any citizen of this country would know that elected members of the respectable state and national houses do record their presence in the Parliament, Legislative Assembly or Council by banging on desks, throwing mikes and available paraphernalia at whosoever attract their ire by refusing to listen to their generous uttering and choose to exercise their own lung. They thereby record their presence on Primetime National TV Channels and even on some YouTube videos.

Such outrageous measures as Biometric system for marking attendance for people in high offices are only demeaning of their efforts to make an indelible mark on society and the common man. As for a poor scribe like me, hoping for the technology of finger-recognition access devices to gain access to my own spaces - I can only hope and pray that one day I shall enter my ATM, brimming with confidence, my chin up, thrusting my best finger forward, to withdraw my own hard earned money, without the fear of being branded “Angootha Chhaap”. After all, I am marking my presence and literacy in carbon prints in newspapers of repute!

After reading the report in the same day’s newspaper, my anxiety grew so I caught up with my IT friend who was kind enough to assure me that the recent political upheaval would not hinder the progress on the new technology which I was looking forward to sooner rather than later.

With this assurance I retired for the day and continued to dream…

Fast Forward to some years later, when I enter the ATM centres brimming with confidence with chin up and thrusting my best finger forward, to withdraw my own hard earned money. And a message would flash on the screen: “The fingerprint reading device is Out of Order! Inconvenience caused is regretted. You may however access your account by entering your last registered Password!”
“Grrr! Ugh! $#%^&*&^%”…. To the eternal glitches in IT, I surrender!!

My Password Phobia!

My Password Phobia

By Gopinath Mavinkurve

Published in the Times of India on 3rd July 2008

Link: http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Editorial/Access_Blues/articleshow/3190014.cms

The complete version of my article is below – only for my blog readers!

I suspect the world is conspiring against me to block me from my bank accounts, my email accounts, my blog account, my own spaces. As soon as I approach any Bank ATM, I suffer from a panic attack… will I remember my current password? Or will I be “Denied Access!” to my own accounts and shunted out like an intruder?

It is not that my organization skills are at fault. I have stored all my passwords carefully, from where only I can access them. But the trouble is, I do not remember where! My email accounts also offer me such bouts of anxiety. Having to deal with numerous such alphabets, numbers and characters, I am challenged, much the same way, as the protagonist, Ishaan was, in the movie “Taare Zameen Par”. These characters start dancing to the tune of “Bam Bam Bole” in front of my eyes!

Finally, I decided to rein in these dancing characters down to my secret excel sheet, containing my passwords. One fine morning, after I was done with this task, I heaved a sigh of relief. But the secret excel sheet would need a password for access! And where do you think I stored this password? In the same excel file, where else? My life is a Maze! How amaze-ing!

My office has a password policy requires me to change passwords every month. It has to have more than 8 characters, with alpha and numeric characters as well as a special character thrown in for good measure. The changed password needs to be substantially different and you cannot repeat any of the last four passwords which I have used! I am told that it is for the security of the information contained in my emails! This practice is now spreading thanks to well-intentioned IT guys, who are putting up the pop-up message “Your current password has expired! Please change your password to continue.”

I am now required to update my secret excel sheet whenever I encounter this pop-up message!. So that is another thing I have got to remember to do from time to time. The only feature that comes to my help, in times of trouble, is the facility put up for the mentally challenged people like me: “Forgot your Password? Enter your Date of Birth and your Mother’s Maiden name”.

Ever since my Hard Disk crashed, all efforts to revive the excel sheet failed despite all efforts by the recovery specialist. Our IT head foresees better times for me in the future. He expects fingerprinting-recognition technology and eye-recognition technology devices to replace the Password-based access to ATMs and computers. I am eagerly waiting for these crazy characters to be consigned to the Recycle Bin when I shall jump up with joy and proclaim, “Look Ma, No Passwords!”

Send your feedback, either “!!!!!!!!!” or “^$@%$*@!” - to my email address: g_mavinkurve@hotmail.com. I may just be able to access it, if my stars are in the right position!