A Tickle after a Tipple!

Curious readers of my blog have been asking me whether there is even an iota of truth in my previous posts! While one reader has not been able to resist the temptation to ask me for my full view photograph after reading “Right in the Middle” and have even (tongue-firmly-in-cheek) commented that Einstein has deceived me by promising to popularize my blog!

Before the Department of Blogging in the Ministry of Communications notifies a rule to declare the contents of my blog, let me voluntarily declare it as follows:

Truth – 8% w/w*
Creative Imagination – 7% w/w
Stupidity – 25% w/w
Deceit, Lies and the like - 25% w/w
Unnecessary words as fillers – qs**

* w/w - word by word **qs – quantity sufficient – balance %

Readers would be curious to know how I tickle post after post with this kind of content. Suspicion has been raised whether my output is the after-effects of some spirits, going by several names and forms and available freely in our country. That I tickle better after a tipple! I am not offended – I understand, given the several virtues attributed to the habit in the media, of late.

Nutritionists and researchers have been discovering several benefits" from consuming these liquids, which make their way to the head before leaving the system from all the pores in one’s body! Want a healthy heart? Want to live a long life? Looking for an aphrodisiac? Want to clear your mind from confusion? Want to reduce your cholesterol with anti-oxidants? Whatever…whatever you may need to improve your health. The one sure shot answer to all your problems is that shot of wine or beer, that you have been branding villainous till date - that is what you are being told.

Newspapers and web pages are agog with reports of recent research findings on the virtues of drinking! The government could ban advertisements but not surrogate ads. So we had music cassettes, holidays, party organizers, rock bands and what-have-you masquerading as proxy spirits. But nothing to beat the idea of “research findings”. “Cheap ma Cheap ave Best ma Best!”, as my gujju friend puts it! It is a world of ideas!

Before you begin to throw stones at researchers, think again. When a visionary scientist first announced to the world excitedly the earth was round not flat, he was stoned as they thought he was a lunatic! While we have Thomas L. Friedman boldly declaring "The World is Flat" to make his millions! So just don’t pick up that stone yet and think about the discovery of a Raam-Baan Upaay, as they say in Marathi -a panacea for all ills (except, for the liver – pun intended!)

Another research finds that plain water (with 0.00000008% pesticide, of course) offers the same benefits as Beer with 8% alcohol content! But it is not getting much attention - we are in a different business, I hope you understand!

A researcher friend has confided in me and shared the latest subject of his research - the effect of wine and beer on dogs! Why dogs? Well, don’t you know the crisis befallen upon the BMC authorities in Mumbai and the animal welfare activists when a stray dog bit a 9-year old girl? BMC Mumbai has slapped a fine of Rs. 500 on any one who feeds dogs with biscuits, bones and food meant for human consumption! But there is no fine yet on feeding them on wine or beer! Hence the necessity (read: opportunity for some)…and you can bet that the researchers will come to the conclusion that “dogs never bite after a tipple, as they do after a meal of biscuits, bones and food meant for human consumption”. I hope you understand how it all works!

I am looking for the venue and time of the PETA demonstration in town to highlight the issue - what with delicate, delectable humans trying to connect with the other animals of the world, by shedding their threads in public - all for a good cause!

Bloggers Note 1 : I solemnly declare that this is not an invitation to drink. Even if one thinks it is, it would be foolish to expect me to pay the bill. A related joke in this respect that I had read somewhere goes thus:

A bully entered a bar and announced to the pleasure of all present – “When I drink, everyone drinks” and ordered a drink for all.

When the bill came around, he said “ When I pay, everybody pays”

Bloggers Note 2 : I get high on Plain water with 0.00000008% pesticide. It works just as well.

Blogger’s Note 3 : Management students call it “statistics”, Magicians call it “illusion”, Lawyers call it “evidence (or lack of it); Politicians call it “speech”; authors call it “fiction”; Bloggers, like me call it “Creative Writing”; and businesses call it “research”!

If readers call it “Lies” so be it! We dont like this four-letter word.