ALL FINE, GUYS!

In response to my recent post "In the Thick of Pink", (if you havent read it please do) some of my friends forwarded me mails on related subject. The text of which are reproduced below:

Mail No. 1
Sub: The United State of US Banks

A Popular quote doing rounds post-Lehman, AIG fiasco...
" There are two sides to a Balance Sheet.- Left & the Right
( Liabilities and Assets respectively)
On the Left side there is nothing right.. and on the right side there is nothing left "
[Source: Email Forward]

Mail No. 2

Marc Faber comment on US economy Recently

Investment analyst and entrepreneur Dr. Marc Faber concluded his monthly bulletin (June 2008) with the following words:
''The Federal government is sending each of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China. If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs. If we buy a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car it will go to Germany. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in US. I've been doing my part.”
[Source: Email Forward]

ALL FINE WITH INDIA, THOUGH
The panic caused in the stock markets and anxious Indians withdrawing money from a reputed Indian Private Bank led the India’s Finance Minister appeared on TV and assure all Indians in a Javed-Jafri-esque manner “We are different!”

“OUR ECONOMY IS FINE”, he insisted.

I have never doubted the announcements of the Indian FM. Never.
The confusion however is caused by a recent acronym that goes thus:
FINE – F***ed, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional

Pray tell me, Hon. FM, did you mean fine in lower case or FINE in upper case?

Going Green for Now!

Going Green For Now!

Racing out with a triumphant smile from the developments taking place in the US in respect of the Indo-US Nuclear Deal, the Indian Prime Minister has cleared the next race like a true Olympian! Indians should be elated with the news of the signing of “a major co-operation pact which paves the way for the sale of French nuclear reactors to India”. The development opens up India’s foray into clean, green energy!

Suddenly, a series of Green Signals are flashing for India Right now!

Our Government’s steps to cover the shortfall in meeting the increasing demands of our country’s energy requirements are indeed deserving of praise and jubilation. The yawning gap was caused by the deep slumber for several decades much like the mythical sleeping icon, Kumbhakaran (a mythical character of the Mahabharata fame, who would sleep for months together). The power situation had been worsening in several parts of our country and one had begun wondering whether this was one ingenious way of keeping the common man in the dark.

Some skeptics, though, attribute the hurried steps taken by our honorable Prime Minister in respect of the US Nuclear Deal and the French one to the completion of the term of the UPA Government. Drawing inspiration from the performance of an Olympian runner while approaching the finish line head first, the momentum at which he has been dashing about heading to close finishes, event after event, is indeed praiseworthy! But it is said that skeptics always give us the peptics (Peptic Ulcers, that is).

Tons of carbon prints have been spent by bloggers on the controversy of the unclear nuclear deal (anagram intentional). A lot of heat has been generated in the ensuing debate though none have thrown any light on the deal itself. One wonders whether this energy could be converted into utilizable forms of energy? If we could, we would have enough electricity to go around to light up our Navratri pandals for the nine-day festivities beginning all over the country this year. Now that is a lot, believe me!

Read what a fellow Indian blogger, who has different views on the Nano Project of the Tatas, says in this post.

However, I am particularly amazed at the idea emerging from the excerpt reproduced below :-
“Toyota Prius uses the energy produced from braking and tries to replenish it for running the car. It also uses the kinetic energy produced from the spinning of wheels on a downhill to replenish some of the energy required to run the car. This would reduce the amount of energy (fossil fuel) needed to run the car. This car is best suited for city conditions. This was designed for US market.” [Source: http://trak.in]

I am beginning to wonder whether the brakes applied to such massive projects such as the Tata Nano Project, by the boisterous Mamata could be also tapped and utilized to spin the wheels of the entire state of West Bengal?
Or the sound bytes and heat generated over this issue and also several such on-going debates in our country be converted into utilizable forms of energy?
If so, we may not have to worry in the interim period until we convert the advantage of the deals into tangible benefits by setting up nuclear energy facilities.

Besides going green with alternative energy sources, the developments would make our neighboring countries green …..with envy, of course!

In the Thick of Pink

I hope this post finds you in the pink...of health, I mean. Lots of guys are reeling under a heap of pink...pink slips, I hope you steer clear from it, that is! A Lehman Brothers employee has written about the mood in his office. He says that he has nothing to do with the cause of the hurricane Lehman that swept US and most of his colleagues are now worried - who would want to employ them now?

If you had been someone who had been responsible for it, my dear friend, you would have got the fattest severance package in the history of US mega corporations! And some dozen offers to boot from several firms to take them to dizzier heights, just for the thrills they seek.

By the way, since the US has been in the habit of naming hurricanes, why don’t they even begin naming the now certain waves of ‘financial crisis’, which also happen with some degree of certainty and regularity. The last wave saw the closure of Enron and Worldcom. This wave has just begun and has already seen several corporations reeling – Freddie Mac, Fanny Mae, Merrill Lynch, AIG, Lehman Brothers and still counting.

Maybe what we have seen is just the tip of the iceberg, the US Financial Crisis is the biggest misadventure in recent times. Recent times, incidentally means since the 1920’s, which saw the Great Depression!

Back home, there are huge signboards which scream:

“TV HO TO BIG TV HO!”
[Hindi for "If you must have a TV, it must be BIG TV"]

So, if one shouts out this slogan across mountains like Amitabh Bacchan does in “The Last Lear”, an echo will be heard from across the continents, thus:

“FINANCIAL CRISIS HO TO BIG FINANCIAL CRISIS HO!”
If truth be told, calling it a ‘financial crisis’ is a euphemism by itself, reducing the impact on what could be otherwise called a biggest fraud on innocent taxpayers and honest investors committed by builders, bankers and undeserving borrowers.

BTW, if you thought only people face the pink slip, think again. Some words in English are also facing the same fate. The Collins Dictionary is considering dropping 26 words from its next edition, since nobody is really using them. Read the report here - Words out of English Dictionary.

Now, Surgery will be assisted by Robots!
Recent reports and an article in Mumbai Mirror suggest that robots would be able to assist surgeons better than Operation Theatre nursing assistants.

So would nursing assistants also face a pink slip?

If someone really deserves a pink slip, it is the terrorists, who have been striking at regular intervals in this region - for doing their jobs well, though. But to do the honors, India’s Home Minister needs to take some tough action, or face the very same prospect – of a pink slip.

Blogger's Post Script: Today is Daughter's Day! Read Daughters are Forever blogpost!

My Internet Chat with Ganapati Bappa!

I have been spending several hours with my laptop ever since I have begun to write with a renewed vigor early this year.
My daughter tells me that I am addicted!
My learned friend tells me that I have become a mouse potato!

“A mouse potato? What’s that?’, I ask.

“If you know that a ‘couch potato’ is one who slouches in his couch and watches Television all day, it would not be easy to understand ‘mouse potato’ – it is a person who spends a considerable amount of time with his computer!”

Indeed, in an effort to become Somebody, I have become a mouse potato!

Anyway, let me get on with my post.
The Ganapati Visarjan on Anant Chaturdashi, which ends the ten day festivities of Ganesh Chaturthi, celebrated with much fanfare in the state of Maharashtra, is a spectacular event.

A week later, I was surfing the net for some information, as I always do, when my Messenger flashed a Message:

“Ganapati Bappa is now online”
[Bappa, Marathi for Uncle]

Me: “My Pranams to you, Ganapati Bappa!” I typed in and waited.
Ganapati Bappa (GB): “Hi”, the reply came in!
Me: “Great pleasure, Ganapati Bappa! Nice to have you online ”
GB: “Wassup?”
Me: “Wow! You’re so modern!”
GB: “Oh, well, I come down so often .. that’s how the kids greet each other, isn’t it?”
Me: “Yes, I was just google-searching for some information”
GB: “Oh Google-searching, nice way to spread knowledge and information. This year the IT folks even sung the ‘Google Aarti’ after my Aarti, - I understand how it is!”

Me: “Bappa, some newspapers reported that in the effort to make idols eco-friendly, you have had to slim lately….”
GB: “Oh, how I would love to…you guys in Maharashtra are so innovative! Make me eco-friendly. If I need to slim down, so be it… I am game. No Plaster of Paris or toxic chemicals to make me look bright.Not good for the environment. I want my bhakts (devotees) to live in a clean environment”

Me: “I wonder how you react to the music in you pandals (enclosures)…”
GB: “I love to hear all those songs in praise of my virtues. But people should also have concern for the residents living near the pandal and reduce the decibel level of the blaring sound system. I am not hard of hearing, I love soft music. A lower volume would serve us all very well. I do not desire to be a cause of nuisance to the old and infirm senior citizens due to the blaring music systems!”

Me: “What about the filmy songs that follow…how do you react to that?”
GB: “Well…Hmmm… If I am with you for ten days, I have to bear with some of your nonsense, don’t I? This year it was ‘Touch me, Touch me, Touch me’”

I just got the urge to log off. I just hoped Bappa was not angry –he would vent out his ire on me…. But stayed on…

Me: “Don’t you feel offended when such songs are belted out at some pandals?”
GB: “ Well…… I have my senses under control. My rat will not stray! So should all of my bhakts. Do not get distracted by songs or by gutkha ads at my pandal”



(The rat sitting obediently signifies control over your emotions and senses)




Me: “Indeed, Ganapati Bappa, you are so much in control and we need to learn from you”.



GB: “Then there was this song ‘Appu Cant Dance’…”

I was confused and did not know how to react!
GB: “I think they were trying to tease me because I can’t dance”

I remained Silent again. There was no place to hide from the Almighty!

GB: “They call an elephant ‘Appu’, isn’t it?”

I thought hard what was it that our Dear Ganapati Bappa was annoyed with? That Appu couldn’t dance? Oh wait a minute I thought…tried to get the words right. Hey, It was not ‘Appu’ but ‘Pappu’ I concluded!
Me: “That’s Pappu – not Appu, our beloved Bappa! The song talks of Pappu…”, I typed in excitedly.
GB: “Who Pappu?”
Me: “Some Pappu …maybe the Pappu, who passes the exams and Amitabh Bacchan dances and distributes Cadbury Chocolates… I don’t know…”
GB: “Oh, I thought they were trying to tease me and elephants that we cant dance and that my slimming down was not quite enough?”
Me: “Not at all, Bappa! Not at all”
GB; “Appu can dance! Who says Elephants can’t Dance? Haven’t you read the book by Louis V. Gerstner Jr?
Me: “Of course, Yes… that was in reference to the Global Mega Corporation, IBM.”
GB: “India is also being referred to as Elephant, just as China is being called ‘Dragon’”

I was amazed with His knowledge of current affairs, but it would be foolish to show my surprise that the God of Wisdom and Learning knows! He who had broken learnt to write with His broken tusk.... Of course, He would know!
GB: “Elephants can certainly dance… and India will dance… some years hence it will be time to write a book ‘The Elephant Does Dance’ and the elephant in this book would be referring to India!”

With these blessings from Ganapati Bappa for all Indians, I typed in my goodbye message.
Me: “Ganapati Bappa Morya! Pudhchya Varshi Lavkar Ya!”

[Marathi for ‘Ganapati Uncle be praised! Next year, do come early!’]
A customary way we Maharashtrian folk hail the Harbinger of good times, the Remover of obstacles, the Elephant-faced God so Dear to our hearts!
I continue to pray that mankind does take heed of Dear Ganapati Bappa's messages to us in the chat with me!

Bloggers Post Script:

This blog is the proud winner of the Third Prize in a contest run by LVS in BlogCatalog!
Three cheers for the Third Prize for my "Artickles" Blog!
Many thanks, LVS! We hope you continue to encourage bloggers like us by posting more competitions on BlogCatalog!

Wanna Be Somebody?

The complete unedited version of the article appeared in the Times of India dated 10th September 2008 for my blog readers below:

Many years ago, when asked by a friend’s acquaintance how he could get in touch with me, one presented one’s visiting card bearing office and residential addresses and phone numbers. He had a quick look at the card and, studying the coordinates detailed in my card, responded that it was of no good if it didn't bear my e-mail address!

My friend promptly informed me that times were when anybody who was 'somebody' would have an e-mail address. Not wanting to be 'nobody' for long, it was important to me to rush to the closest computer and plug in to the internet and get myself an e-mail address. Having become 'somebody' with a new personal identity, one sported it on one's visiting cards and even began to ask others if they had one.

It was my turn to ask others, "No e-mail address?" This tag of 'somebody' did not last long though. Soon enough, some chap frowned when he learnt that one did not have an instant messenger in place. "You've just got to download it for free", he informed me. In those days of bandwidth scarcity, it would be hours before the download would give me back my status of being somebody. Another friend would then taste the air of my superiority for not having one for himself.

I learnt soon enough though that 'somebody' had a short shelf life and moved quickly from one possession to another. My instant messenger did not have voice capability, background patterns, couldn’t exchange pictures until upgrades were installed and one could go back to becoming 'somebody' all over again. Soon the instant messenger had to follow me on my cellphone.

Recently, with my increased interest in blogging, it was time to go down that same path again.
“I blog, therefore I am” proclaimed bloggers at a city meet.
“Plain vanilla blog!”, said a fellow blogger.
“No counter? Live traffic indicator?” asked another.

Further questions from fellow bloggers (usually the younger ones)
“No subscription features like RSS?
( For the uninitiated, RSS is not the feed that the BJP subscribes to – it is the feed that readers subscribe to from Bloggers and website when updates are posted)

"No Feedburner?" Why would one want to burn your feed? one may wonder.
This is only a subscription to one's blogposts!
“No Blogrolls?”
“Not yet a member of communities like Digg, Del-icio-us, Technorati?”

Whew!!! So many things to drive traffic! Not for me - I cannot drive anything - I can only drive people mad!

If you ever tread this path, you would come across various terms like Labels (which incidentally are words describing the subject of your post so that they pop up on searching for specific subjects), Live Traffic indicators, Tagging and so on and so forth. Just as one would not know what a poke or a superpoke is until one opens an account in Facebook, Bloggers will learn this only as they go along on their blogging journey!

For a layperson, a separate Dictionary of Blogger’s terms is a need of the hour, I would imagine. It would be helpful if someone puts up the ABCs of Blogging on the internet. If I am entrusted with the task it would go as below :-
‘A’ for ‘Artickles’
‘B’ for ‘Blogs’
‘C’ for ‘Comments’….. and so on.

Nobody wants to remain Nobody - Everybody wants to be Somebody!
That is human nature! My pursuit to be ‘somebody’ in the blogging community continues. Alternating between being nobody and somebody, one wonders if it would be better to remain nobody? Or would my pursuit be much like the journey of the small boy, Santigo, in “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho, when all that mattered was the journey and not the destination?

After all my efforts to keep up with the Blogging Joneses, yielded no results - Neither significant Traffic by way of Blog-Hits nor Adsense revenue to justify my indulgence! I finally slumped into my chair - “Give me a life!” I sighed.

“How about ‘Second Life’?”, my daughter piped in opening up a whole new journey!

Some time later... maybe, I thought to my self.

The following lines came to my mind:-“We must not cease from exploring and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we began and to know the place for the first time”
– T.S.Eliot’s poem, ‘Little Gidding’ (the fourth of his ‘Four Quartets’)

I am thankful to Krishnan, a fellow blogger to share the below Lewis Carroll's quote in the Comments section:

"Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!" I have blogrolled Krishnan alongside!

Computers to replace Humans?

Last week, when I was out of action due to my illness, I just wondered whether my next blog-post could be generated by a computer. I called up my tech-savvy friend and asked him to find out if that was possible what with rapid strides reported in the field of technology each day. When my friend came back to me with a negative in reply, my joy new no bounds – I felt secure – I would not be declared redundant anytime soon! And this aided my recovery, so here I am back in action!

Recent reports in the media suggest that the outsourcing business enabled by the revolutionary Information Technology would face threats in times to come. Computers have never ceased to amaze us. First they did what humans programmed them to do. Then they connected with others across the world with the humble internet technology giving birth to the worldwide web. With the convergence of telecommunication with computers and internet, the framework for the outsourcing business was ready. Robots have successfully performed mechanical tasks in the automation efforts in manufacturing. Some have even begun talking sensibly to humans and responding to their questions.

Technology is enabling computers and machines to work together to replace human beings? To understand this, one first needs to understand what a human being is all about and what differentiates human beings from other animals and modern machines.

In an effort to understand this phenomenon and its impact in the future, a survey was carried out to list out activities/capabilities that can be attributed to human beings alone.

REPORT BELOW:

The following unique capabilities have been listed out with the corresponding progress in Computers/Technology and the resultant threatened groups as on date :-

Serial No. a Unique Capability possessed by Human Beings
b Progress to replicate in computers / gadgets/ Technology
c Threatened Groups, if efforts were to succeed

1 a. Speak a language
b. Robots can do it.
c. Newsreaders

2. a. Translate from one language to another
b Computers can do it
c.Translation experts

3 a. Record a speech in written text
b.Recent software enables this.
c.Transcriptionists

4 a. Intelligent analysis of facts
b. Computers can do it.
c. All Humans (except blondes)

5 a. Innovation of ideas – or “Ideating” (a new word we hear today)
b.Though work on “Artificial Intelligence” is in progress, no success to report
c. All Intelligent Humans (Thankfully, not me!)

6 a. Telling lies
b. No capability yet
c. All Humans

7 a. Dealing with Money – expecting, receiving, giving, all its ugly forms
b. No reported instance of such behavior observed in any computer or even any other animal except Humans
c. All Humans, including Stock Brokers, Corrupt officials and Politicians, no exceptions.

8 a. The dispensation of law and justice
b. No reported instance of such capability observed in any computer or even any other animals
c. All humans, including Lawyers, Judges, Police officials and Criminals - just clarifying in case you miss out on them.

9 a. The Institution of Marriage and other related acts, because, inspite or otherwise capable of.
b. Not found in any animal other than humans – computers and gadgets are blissfully unaware of this word! (Word? My wise uncle insists that Marriage is not a word – it is a Sentence! (as in “sentence for life”, that is)
c.Heterosexual Humans – Other Humans too want to marry though!

10 a. Engage in Politics
b. Not found in any animal other than humans – computers and gadgets are blissfully unaware of this phenomenon!
c. Politicians, Political observers, Party workers

11 a. Blaming others
b. There has been a stray reported instance, though unproved, from unreliable source (see Bloggers Post-Script below). Status remains “No capability yet”
c. All Humans without any exceptions

12 a. Stupidity – one may find many of the above capabilities as a subset of this main set. But then that's why I put this last.
b.No reported instance of such behavior observed in any computer or even any other animal except Humans. Why do you think Einstein called it “Human Stupidity” of which he was certain of being infinite.
c. All Humans, (especially Humor Bloggers like me)

END OF REPORT

Since I am still convalescing, I cannot claim this study to be complete and perfect. Readers of my blog are encouraged to contribute more such unique human capabilities so that the exercise in Human Stupidity can be taken to greater heights. This can be done by posting your comments.

Go ahead and perform another act of human stupidity!. Be Stupid, Be human!

Bloggers’ Post-Script - Ooops…How could I forget tippling? Many years ago, I penned a futuristic poem in 1981 (I was in my early twenties), which was published in Kanara Saraswat Magazine. Reproduced below for the benefit of my blog readers.


COMPUTER BEHAVIOUR

[News-Item: Computers are beginning to behave like humans. While one seems to have asked for a glass of beer, another put the blame of an error squarely on another computer installed in another department]

A computer, known for its persuasion,
Was fed with a problem during supervision.
Calmly he sat working upon it,
with his metallic eye-brows knit.

For though a problem, however tough,
a moment or two was always enough.
He smiled, said, “This problem indeed is queer,
never before did I need a glass of beer,
I’ll be considered human, I fear,
but I’ll solve this problem, I swear”

There was calm as he sat for a while,
and finally a triumphant smile,
The supervisor who came to check,
seeing the figure, said “What the heck!
I have never known you to have faltered,
a silicon chip will need to be altered”.

There was a smile as yet on the computer’s face,
which is the peculiarity of this invented race.
“I wonder from where you got your figure”,
he retorted, now chewing a Cigar.
“For if it is from another computer”, said he.
The error’s due to him – CERTAINLY NOT ME!”

[Published in the “Kanara Saraswat” Magazine, August 1981]

POT(hole)S of Money!

“Thanks for writing in the papers about the pathetic state of our roads – The State Government has taken serious steps to fill in the pot-holes”, my friend called in to inform.

Serious steps? Had they resolved to use bitumen or some real road construction material in place of that wonderful layer of thick black substance, which would melt away in the first few drops of rain of the magic material which dissolved before you could say “Raindrops”, I wondered? Even before my research team cracked the magic ingredients which they suspected to be black salt and caramelized sugar that would melt away oh, so quickly?

“There is a prize of Rs. 1000/- for anyone who would spot a pothole anywhere in Mumbai!”, my friend announced.

So off I went with my digital camera to record every pothole and make my first Million! That was the next best thing to happen after the Gold Rush, which any way happened before I was born and again in the US, not in Mumbai!

Just around the bend, I almost fell into something very deep! Just to be held back by my dear friend waiting for me to join in. I captured its sheer magnitude in my digital anyway just in case and my friend quickly recorded its geographical coordinates for the sake of filling in some dozen forms that we were certain would be necessary before the State Government could cough up its first dime. “I am afraid they may not qualify this as a pot hole”, he said, “for it resembles a crater on the moon!”. It was quite usual of my buddy to let my hopes go crashing downhill.

The next was only a few metres away and right in the middle of the busy road. The “inter-locking tiles” that one sees of late, had caved in, as though it just could not bear the inflation, of the tyres of the vehicles, I meant!

Pothole after pothole, we clicked away. Until my friend reported his next big problem – how could he possibly identify each and every pothole’s place on earth? Could Google earth help? Could we name them like the Americans name their hurricanes? If numbers could help, how many digit numbers should we use?

I hate questions – especially the ones to which I have no answers! And when someone puts such spokes in my work, I have only one solution to call for a lunch-break! Back home, a few metres away, I switched on the Television set. The newsreader was interviewing a Senior Municipal Official – and the poor guy wanted to know just how could he handle such a large crowd of people, at his home - even on a Sunday, who had been claiming to have spotted pot-holes?

Suddenly his mobile rang and his face brightened up! He turned to the Television crew and told them to have each of these hooligans well covered for him. “Look at the number of people going around and digging up potholes on a perfectly quiet Sunday – all this only for a few bucks!”, he pleaded. " The craters were formed by tumbling Govindas last week. We will fill up the potholes for our Beloved Lord Ganesha, anyway!", he summed up.

The "Spot-A-Pothole" contest disappeared faster than the potholes!

Needless to say, I had a nice Siesta that Sunday afternoon after packing off my friend!